Anything but Dreams Read online

  Way off to the side

  You kept to yourself

  Up on the back shelf

  Will anyone really care

  When you’re no longer there?

  March 23, 2003

  Manchester, NH

  This was another one that was sitting in Line Ideas (a huge Word document that I store words, phrases, and partial poems for a later date when I can finish them… a poetic incubator, if you will). I wrote the first two lines back in the summer of 2002 and liked them, but never knew how to continue. Kind of a semi-autobiographical poem but with a message to change your ways or no one will care and you’ll end up being forgotten.

  Perpendicular Happiness

  Alone on the highway

  Alone with my thoughts

  Don’t really know where I’m heading

  Keep driving until I find happiness, I guess

  Thinking and driving

  Isn’t much better than

  Drinking and driving

  At least I’m not doing

  Both at once right now

  Just watching the exits pass

  In the small time frame of things

  In a few hours I’ll pass another state line

  Those live in the big time frame of things

  The radio is off because it’s all crap

  Alone with the hum of the engine

  Alone with the buzzing of my brain

  Trying to think about what to do

  And how I could have done everything

  Somehow differently, somehow better

  Trying not to think about it anymore

  Thinking is the last thing I want to do

  But those thoughts slip by my protests

  Like the exits slip by in my headlights

  What if I realize that I left it all behind

  Let too much time zoom past

  Between us as I think while

  I’m driving under yet another

  Overpass that maybe just maybe

  Might lead to the direction

  Where I’ll find love and happiness

  Yes that other way that runs

  The opposite way, perpendicular

  To my current direction and destination

  It wouldn’t surprise me at all

  Isn’t that just the way sometimes

  I turn on the radio again

  For a welcome distraction

  Surf the dial and shut it off

  Silent contemplation is so much better

  Dozens of states to go

  Untold numbers of overpasses

  All going another way

  All possibilities that

  Could be the right way

  All potential roads that

  Could end in perfection

  Finally, at last

  With every one of them

  That I shoot through

  I can’t help it as my eyes

  Dart off over to the side

  As if I’ll see the one for me

  Standing there waiting

  I think of how foolish this is

  But part of me thinks

  How foolish would I be

  If I didn’t look

  And I sped on past my

  Perpendicular happiness

  July 29, 2003

  Manchester, NH

  In the car a few days ago I jotted some random thoughts of a guy who was driving cross country. His life had recently fallen apart and he’s forced to deal with it over his long ride. It’s something he doesn’t want to do at all, but he gets to thinking about all the possibilities that are out there…how every road leads to another opportunity. Then he realizes that every overpass is another road, but they lead off in another direction. I know it’s something that I’d be thinking of if I were in the same situation.

  Scraps of Paper

  Why do I play the lottery?

  I buy two tickets

  Twice a week every week

  On one I pick the numbers

  On the other I leave it to chance

  And let the machine pick

  Scraps of paper

  With so much potential

  One minute…

  And the next

  Are just scraps of paper

  I often think of what I’d do

  If my numbers came up

  Wonder how it’d change my life

  Wonder how I’d spend it

  I’d like to think I’d be sensible

  I’d like to think I wouldn’t change

  Guess I’ll have to buy that bridge

  When I get to it

  Going to sleep wondering if

  I’m going to wake up wealthy

  Beyond my richest dreams

  But just as you forget

  Most dreams when you wake up

  I know that I’ll be the same

  As I was today

  Only $2 poorer

  With two scraps of paper

  Sitting on my dresser

  June 20, 2003

  Manchester, NH

  I wrote it over a month ago when I was doing an MOD (manager on duty) shift at my hotel and didn’t have access to a computer in my room. It was one of those things where I wrote it on the little pads of paper in the hotel room and threw it in my bag…and then promptly forgot about. I’ve done this a few other times as well. I’m sure I have at least half a dozen other poems floating around and running rampant. It’s my job to capture, beat, and force them into public life.

  …And They Were Released

  Strong vivid dream

  The kind you can’t

  Forget easily no matter

  How hard you try

  The kind that when

  You wake up you feel

  The need to wake up again

  Wake up and feel the reality

  And make sure that

  It’s not a dream

  And double check again

  Just to make sure…

  Four in the car

  Roof down, speed up

  Talking, reminiscing

  Quietly lamenting

  About the event

  A few years ago

  That prevented

  The others from

  Being here tonight

  Ignoring the past

  Speeding without

  Caring or concern

  Maybe it was the subject

  Maybe it was the mindset

  Driving through the city

  Like it was a video game

  Approach a huge drawbridge

  That’s up but going down

  Amazed there was no lights

  Or barriers or cars or anything

  Hit the steep slope going 100

  Up, up, up…then the air

  Peaceful for a moment

  Suspended up there above

  The city the everything

  All the lights twinkling

  Wishing to preserve this

  Picture perfect moment

  Then gravity kicked in

  Entirely too soon

  Interrupting the moment

  And sought to bring everything

  Back to the way it should be

  Lurch in the stomachs

  Like a rollercoaster ride

  Pulling us down

  Pulling too hard

  I want to get off

  Safety is too far down

  And the view changed

  From serene to scary

  Maybe we can make it down

  Like they do in the movies

  But I knew nothing ends

  Perfectly, nicely like that

  The heavy engine pointed down

  Showing the way for our

  Harry Potter flying car

  That was missing the magic

  Rusty girders passing by

  Even thought it was night

  You could see the rusty

  It’s weird the things you see

  And notice when you’ve got
r />   Just seconds left of life

  No screaming from anyone

  We all stared straight ahead

  Someone quietly said

  “It was great knowing you guys”

  And we all silently nodded

  The ground zooming

  Up fast to meet us

  More girders now

  One of us fell out of the car

  And half of him stopped

  On a passing beam of steel

  A safety campaign popped

  Quickly, fleetingly in my mind

  “Seatbelts save lives”

  Normally I would agree

  But it won’t be true for me

  Then the world went too fast

  The sounds of the street

  The blurring of the things

  Closer to the ground

  Inches away and going mach 2

  Intent on going through us

  Intent on ending us

  From all we knew

  Then everything froze

  Like God hit pause

  On the giant DVD of life

  And I was watching it

  On a screen and I could see

  The car mostly inverted

  And at a funny angle

  Blurred from the

  Per second per second

  And the following words

  Were across the screen

  In a large yellow font:

  “…and they were released.”

  October 18, 2003

  Manchester, NH

  This was the second half of an extremely vivid dream I just had. The first half revolved around the group of friends that these guys were friendly with who died in a freak accident a few years ago. One or two of them died, but the rest who were not present in the poem above were changed as a result.

  Red Hats Now In Stock

  Red hats now in stock

  Read the sign out front

  Of the little store on a little route

  In northeastern Massachusetts where

  Modern life seemed to have passed

  By years ago for this stretch of road

  Nothing newer than thirty years

  Almost as if time ground to a halt

  Several administrations ago

  Everything faded by the sun and age

  I wonder how these stores

  And other businesses stay afloat

  I feel bad for the mom and pops

  But I’m too entrenched in today

  I need my Target and Home Depot

  I find the bright sign for the interstate

  Zoom up the ramp and happily drive away

  October 6, 2003

  Newburyport, MA

  I was looking for I-95 when I found myself on this little stretch of road somewhere near Newburyport. There were small shops and stores here and there, on the outskirts of some small town, like at one point this was the commercial area years and years ago. It was sad to see all the faded and dilapidated signs and buildings. I felt bad for those that owned the stores here and I got to wondering how they could stay in business these days when I’m sure there’s some giant super mega-store up the road a few miles.

  Down the Dyslexic Slope

  Feeling the tipsy before I feel the heat

  Feeling the coolness of the bottle

  As the refreshing comes up to meet

  My lips as they do the trip

  Down the dyslexic slope

  As I stumble over the bit

  Giving me heightened hope

  Of good things to come

  Because it’s easy to be an optimist

  When the glass is all done

  October 14, 2003

  Manchester, NH

  I wrote this last night after I had a few drinks and it hit me really hard for some reason. Probably because it has been a long time since I’ve had anything to drink.

  Kissed By Someone in My Dreams

  Kissed by someone in my dreams last night

  I remember she was wonderfully beautiful

  And the passion was beyond description

  Too bad I can’t remember who she was

  It wasn’t anyone from my past

  As far as I can tell

  As best I can recall

  Maybe it’s someone from my future

  The perfect someone that I haven’t met yet

  That girl who is just down the road of life

  Separated by distance and time and waiting

  Patiently for the right person to come along

  It’s just a guess

  But a good one

  Nonetheless

  Or maybe she’s just a random no one

  The nameless girl who only lives in dreams

  Kissing men and breaking their hearts

  And moving on to someone else’s dreams

  Leaving me to longingly linger for her

  That’s probably it

  It’s like she hit

  And ran and I

  Turned to find that

  She doesn’t even exist

  Speculating on the identity of my kisser

  Wondering why I’m so consumed by her

  Silently hoping that she might be someone

  Who is destined to play a role in my future

  Secretly praying that she’ll be the one

  August 5, 2003

  Manchester, NH

  While I was running errands today, I remembered that I had a dream last night where some beautiful woman kissed me. That got me thinking…was this someone I knew? Nope. Then a wave of hope flooded through me…maybe it’s someone I haven’t met yet! I know I’ve had bunches of dreams years ago that turned into amazingly overwhelming déja-vu. Then the third, and most realistic, scenario hit me…maybe she’s just that: a random nameless woman in my dreams.

  Debris

  I’ve second-guessed myself

  For the third time today

  And the fourth is around the corner

  Descending in concentric circles

  Thinking too much about something

  Sending me into a spinning dive

  For a while I was flying fine

  Until a nagging notion stuck

  Like a stick clogging the stream

  Of conscious thought

  The more debris that got hung up

  The more I would sit and spin

  Coughing stalling

  Reeling falling

  Wondering about the altitude

  How much room to move

  Before I slammed down

  Crashed and was gone

  May 19, 2004

  Atlanta, GA

  The perils of over-thinking.

  Rinse Repeat

  You rinsed your hair

  Of the one that wronged you

  Rinse repeat

  It just becomes you

  Follow the same pattern

  Do it all over again

  With someone new this time

  Leaving you wondering why

  It happened again

  And keeps happening

  Much to your chagrin

  But it’s bound to happen

  Since you follow directions

  So well

  Rinse repeat

  December 25, 2003

  En route from Washington DC to Oakland, CA

  I don’t know how I got “rinse repeat” in my head on an airplane, but I did.

  Rainy Sunday

  Crappy, rainy day

  The kind that makes you

  Want to not leave the house

  Stay inside and do nothing

  The perfect day to think since

  Rainy Sundays are reserved for reflection

  For the kind of thought you can’t

  Get or achieve on any other day

  Delving deep into the core matters

  That matter most that you’ve been

  Trying to avoid at all costs until now

  Where I am, what I’ve achievedr />
  What I’ve failed at, where I want to be

  My needs, my goals, my wants, my desires

  All the things I skim over and never address

  On those happy, sunny days

  When everything seems so perfect

  It takes a pissy rainy day like this

  For me to finally see my shortcomings

  My tendency to live life comfortably

  Instead of living life passionately

  I now have the freedom in that

  I could go anywhere, do anything

  Follow and achieve all of my dreams

  But I need to see beyond the day

  In everything I do

  I need to see how it gets me

  Where I want, where I need to be

  Later in the day I’m online

  Talking to a sorta friend

  Someone I’ve known

  Not very interesting

  But she’s always there

  Online, killing time

  She asked what I was up to

  I told her thinking about life

  Where I am, where I want to be

  And everything in between

  This didn’t sit well with her

  Since she’s the kind to accept life

  And be content with mediocrity

  She told me to stop thinking

  And put it off to another time

  Then I posed the question

  If not today, then when?

  She’s the reason I won’t give in

  To being comfortable with life

  She’s there to constantly reinforce

  The thoughts I’ve thought

  Do I want to end up like her

  And be content with an average existence?

  Do I want to end up with her

  And be condemned to an unhappy life?

  No fucking way on both accounts

  If I wasn’t going to settle

  For being married to my best friend

  And living life happily but without

  The passion and the burning yearning

  For each other that we should have felt

  There is no way in hell I’m going to settle

  For this other one who preaches

  Being complacent as equaling happiness

  And who refuses to think about life

  Because it might make her sad

  There is no way I’m going to settle

  For anything in life anymore

  Life’s too short, too precious

  To risk wasting time on people

  Who hold you back

  Who hold you down

  And demand that you settle

  Those people are there as examples

  Of how not to live

  If they want to waste their time

  Then let them

  It’s their life, not mine

  I’ll politely say, “Excuse you,”

  Zoom ahead, and move on

  They will not impede me

  From achieving my dreams

  And packing as much

  Passion and happiness

  Into my remaining time

  As humanly possible

  Outside, the rainy Sunday

  Continues pissing down

  Inside, the rainy Sunday

  Has brightened my outlook

  Has changed my life

  And given me the inspiration

  And new direction I needed

  June 1, 2003